My guess is that right about now you are wondering why a couple would wait so long before they seek help. Well, couples often ‘beat themselves up’ when things go wrong making statements like, “we should be able to repair this ourselves”, or “what if there ... Read More »]]> Did you know that on average people who are unhappy in their romantic relationship have been so for about 7 years before they seek help? And let me tell you 7 years of misery and disappointment take a terrible toll on what I call the ‘emoplasticity’ or the emotional flexibility and bandwidth of a relationship.

My guess is that right about now you are wondering why a couple would wait so long before they seek help. Well, couples often ‘beat themselves up’ when things go wrong making statements like, “we should be able to repair this ourselves”, or “what if there is no fix for our relationship and we have to get a divorce?” I call these ‘motivation-busters’ and they serve to halt any productive action.

How do I know when I’m in trouble relationship – wise? Paint me a picture.

Your relationship for the purposes of this illustration looks like a stool. There is the seat, which is the marriage itself, that is balanced atop and supported by, three legs. The legs of the stool are called Passion, Play and Productivity. If anything happens to one or more of the legs, the stool begins to get wobbly, and if the legs are damaged enough they will collapse entirely and the stool will be destroyed!

Let’s look at what each leg does:

• Passion: It’s about your commitment, sex, affection and the desire to simply ‘be’ with your partner.
• Play: Everybody has a child inside them and that part of each of us needs to play with the child in our beloved.
• Productivity: It’s the business of relationship, paying bills, talking out the garbage, etc.

Can I repair my stool if it is broken?

Possibly. If you build your stool out of good materials but your aspirations are ‘fuzzy’ and your stool collapses, that’s eminently fixable. If you build your stool out of ‘emotional chewing gum and bailing twine’ and you are all about great aspirations (think the multi-million dollar wedding, 72 day Kardashian marriage) that’s not repairable.

The ‘stool’ model is a useful tool that you can use to check on the health of your intimate relationship. Have a frank conversation with your partner and ask, “How sturdy is our stool?” Examine the various legs together and determine which ones may or may not need work. If your stool is solid, hurrah for you! If it’s a little more on the wobbly side here are some practical dos and don’ts.

Don’t wait for things to get worse. If you’ve been unhappy for more than 6 months get help.

Do ‘shrink shop’, if you need professional help. Remember, all therapists are not created equal!

Do be careful about with whom you choose to discuss your relationship difficulties. This could come back to ‘haunt’ you. You may convince your mother and your best friend that, “he’s” a lout and then decide to stay with him because you’ve ‘ironed things out’ to your satisfaction.  Your confidants may not agree with and may be quite vocal in their objections to your decision.

Don’t complain to your partner’s parents about him or her. This will not resolve anything and it will hurt your relationship on multiple levels.

Do be careful about heeding advice from friends and family because there is some pretty terrible ‘folksy’ relationship remedies out there.

Do not talk to your children about problems in your relationship no matter what their age. Your children are not your confidants.

Do not stay in violent relationships. Remember, violence + jealousy + verbal abuse do not under any circumstances = love.

Do not stay in a relationship for ‘the sake of the children’. Even though you don’t tell them you are doing so, the children will know. Believe me, kids tell me about this all the time. And believe this too, your children will not thank you for it, because guess where they learn their intimacy skills from…

Do find a way to talk to each other from ½ hour to 1 hour every day. Put the kids to bed or if they are old enough tell them to amuse themselves and not bother you unless something catastrophic happens like a flood, an invasion of locusts or a toaster fire. The latter is a complex story involving tubs of margarine shoved into toasting slots meant for bagels which I will save for another article. Anyway, I can’t emphasize the importance of this enough, talking = intimacy. At first you’ll probably discuss mundane things like your child’s hamster’s health or the ‘obnoxious guy’ at work. After that there will likely be some painful silence and then you’ll start to talk about important stuff. Things like, are you happy? If not, what makes you unhappy? Do you remember when we fell in love? Do you remember why we fell in love? And so forth.

Do, when you have your conversational time together, remember to turn off the TV, your cell phone, your iPad, your email, your Twitter feed and your Facebook page, etc. You can always TiVo or DVR the show you are missing but you can’t record your relationship for viewing later.

Do use ‘fair fighting’ rules when you disagree. No name calling, no hitting, no throwing objects, no character assassination and only one topic at a time, please.

Do use ‘times out’ when discussions begin to escalate. If you allow things to spiral ‘out of control’ nothing good will come of it. Remember, you can return to whatever you are discussing when things are calmer.

Do go on weekly dates. You don’t have to spend a lot of money, just a little ‘quality time’.

Do know that marriage is like an ocean,” the love tide comes in and the love tide goes out”. If however, your tide is mostly out, go back and review the first two ‘dos and don’ts’.

Dr. Cochran is a transpersonal psychologist, licensed clinical social worker, educator and author with more than 30 years of experience. Dr. Cochran works with her partner, board certified family physician David J. Waggoner, MD, at Saratoga Family Health Center, where she takes a whole person approach to health and wellness, treating the individual, not the symptoms.

Dr. Cochran is the author of “What Are You Afraid Of” and a columnist for The Huffington Post and a contributor to Psychology Today. Dr. Cochran hosts the radio program; Whole Brain Thinking: Wisdom, Love, Magic Visit: www.drcochran.com and www.sfhc.com

Photo credit © Kurhan | Dreamstime.com

In Life, ‘It’s’ all about

Perspective, Perspective, Perspective!

So, what’s yours?

Do you know for sure?

Let’s find out shall we?

I’m going to pose a series of questions, the answers to which many people don’t even want to consider, let alone face. These are questions, whether you have thought about them consciously or at a more sub-cortical or unconscious level, whose responses define you, direct you, even control your thoughts, feelings and actions. So think carefully before you read on and do the required work. Because if you do, well, one does not come away from a self awareness ... Read More »]]> ‘Tis Season, To Consider Your Reason!

In Life, ‘It’s’ all about

Perspective, Perspective, Perspective!

So, what’s yours?

Do you know for sure?

Let’s find out shall we?

I’m going to pose a series of questions, the answers to which many people don’t even want to consider, let alone face. These are questions, whether you have thought about them consciously or at a more sub-cortical or unconscious level, whose responses define you, direct you, even control your thoughts, feelings and actions. So think carefully before you read on and do the required work. Because if you do, well, one does not come away from a self awareness exercise like this without being unchanged in some fashion. Perhaps it will result in the increased self-esteem that comes of appreciating a well considered life and all the rewards associated with it, or perhaps it will open your mind to a more realistic and grounded way of thinking about yourself and the world or perhaps it will surprise you and facilitate new perspectives and great changes in your life.

Only you can decide.

For each question, whenever possible, write down five responses and be sure to write the first thing that comes into your head whether it seems to make sense or not. Please do record your answers so that you can reflect upon them and look for patterns.

Here we go, remember to breathe…

What really matters to you and how would someone observing your behavior know that it matters?

What are you willing to risk anything for?

What motivates you?

What rewards you?

What triggers fear in you?

What are you afraid you cannot have?

What are you afraid you cannot do?

Who are you afraid you cannot be?

What are you afraid that you are not entitled to?

Do you ‘talk back’ to your fears or do you treat them as facts and allow them to control you?

Is each day an adventure or a chore? Why?

What ‘Beliefs’ (fixed notions that you are not allowed to question and that you will defend against information to the contrary) do you have about yourself?

What ‘Beliefs’ do you have about others and the world around you?

Do any of these ‘Beliefs’ substantiate and fuel your fears?

To what do you attribute these ‘Beliefs’ and how do they serve you?

What do you think your life would be like without your ‘Beliefs’?

What do you think your life would be like without your fear?

Who is in possession of your ‘Truth’, is it you or some other person or organization?

Do you ‘Own Your Power’ (your ability to consider your thoughts, feelings and actions independently and with your ‘Whole Brain’) or do you give it away to someone or something other than yourself? If you do, to whom and why do you give it?

If you were to die today is there anything that you would leave unfinished or unsaid?

How do you want your epitaph to read?

If you answered these questions you have worked hard and whatever your responses I applaud your courage and willingness to be self-aware. If you found anything in your answers that is scary, unnerving or that evokes sad or negative feelings or that has disturbed you in any way please talk about it with someone you trust and/or seek out a licensed professional counselor. You can find a therapist by consulting reputable sites on the internet, your insurance provider list, getting a referral from your physician, perhaps a recommendation from a good friend, a clergy member or by consulting your county’s mental health association. There is no need to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable about doing so. After all, if there was something wrong with you car and you didn’t know what to do you would go to a certified mechanic and have them take a look under the hood, psychotherapists basically function in the same way. We are cerebral ‘grease monkeys’ if you will, and our job is to give you the tools you need to operate the mental/emotional ‘vehicle’ that is your life safely and without mishap.

Facing ourselves, really considering our decisions and having the courage of our convictions is challenging. However, doing so can change not only your life but the world itself, one idea at a time, one person at a time.

It’s true you know,

In Real Estate, ‘It’s’ all about

Location, Location, Location!

And

In Real Life, ‘It’s’ all about

Perspective, Perspective, Perspective!

I wish you joy, peace and lots and lots of Wisdom, Love and Magic!

Dr. Cochran is a transpersonal psychologist, licensed clinical social worker, educator and author with more than 30 years of experience. Dr. Cochran works with her partner, board certified family physician David J. Waggoner, MD, at Saratoga Family Health Center, where she takes a whole person approach to health and wellness, treating the individual, not the symptoms.

Dr. Cochran is the author of “What Are You Afraid Of” and a columnist for The Huffington Post and a contributor to Psychology Today. Dr. Cochran hosts the radio program; Whole Brain Thinking: Wisdom, Love, Magic Visit: www.drcochran.com and www.sfhc.com

The truth is that two people with the same diagnosis don’t necessarily warrant the same treatment, and it’s the job of your mental health professional(s) to keep abreast of, and understand, the treatment options available and to work with you to find your ‘secret formula’ for optimal health: mental, emotional, physical and spiritual.

OK, “So where do I get one of these brilliant doctors?” you might ask. An excellent question, and the honest answer is ‘caveat emptor’, let the buyer beware. You have to do your homework on who is available in your area. However, I can tell you what kinds ... Read More »]]>

The truth is that two people with the same diagnosis don’t necessarily warrant the same treatment, and it’s the job of your mental health professional(s) to keep abreast of, and understand, the treatment options available and to work with you to find your ‘secret formula’ for optimal health: mental, emotional, physical and spiritual.

OK, “So where do I get one of these brilliant doctors?” you might ask. An excellent question, and the honest answer is ‘caveat emptor’, let the buyer beware. You have to do your homework on who is available in your area. However, I can tell you what kinds of things to look for. You need to seek out mental health professionals, like those at Saratoga Family Health Center in San Jose www.sfhc.com who will take a thorough history of both yourself and your family of origin. They need to ask you detailed questions about your diet, exercise habits, medications, any physical ailments you might have, your job, your romantic relationships and your support system. You also need to have labs done and have a complete physical examination. Why? Because there are many physical ailments that can cause or masquerade as mental illness and some that can make existing mental illness worse. The bottom line is that there are certain problems you can ‘cure’ without medication and there are certain problems that you can’t. It is the job of your mental health professional(s) to know the difference.

Oh, and by the way while we’re on the subject, your best and most powerful defense against mental or physical illness is love, and living a joyful life. Without love and joy, no matter what pills you take, recreational drugs you use, or food you eat, life just isn’t worth living. So engage in joyful behavior every day, and if you’re not, ask yourself why not. And please be sure to tell the people you love, that you love them (and just thinking about it doesn’t count) you’ve got to say it, sing it, Twitter it, email it, nowadays the communication options are almost endless. So do it, come on! You’ll feel better, and as a result we’ll feel better too. Because here it is in a nutshell: when any one of us is ailing we are all ill, and when any one of us is restored to health, we are all made better!

Join Dr. Cochran on November 5^th, 2011in Los Angeles for  A JOURNEY THOUGH ROMANTIC LOVE: What it is. What it is not. How to get it. How to keep it, workshop where she focuses on techniques for how to manage, and what to expect from one of the most challenging developmental tasks of adulthood: the many faces of romantic love. For more details email mcochran@drcochran.org or visit www.drcochran.com

Dr. Cochran is a transpersonal psychologist, licensed clinical social worker, educator and author with more than 30 years of experience. Dr. Cochran works with her partner, board certified family physician David J. Waggoner, MD, at Saratoga Family Health Center, where she takes a whole person approach to health and wellness, treating the individual, not the symptoms.

Dr. Cochran is the author of “What Are You Afraid Of” and a columnist for The Huffington Post and a contributor to Psychology Today. Dr. Cochran hosts the radio program; Whole Brain Thinking: Wisdom, Love, Magic Visit: www.drcochran.com and www.sfhc.com

Photo credit © Toxawww | Dreamstime.com

Last week you went to your doctor for your annual physical and you found out that you have cholesterol problems, specifically small density LDL, which your doctor told you is a death sentence if you don’t address it. It seems that these small density particles have an incredible propensity for sneaking into your arteries. Pretty soon your arteries start to look like the bottom of a grease trap in a French fry machine and eventually all that ‘goop’ turns into plaques. Plaque isn’t good for your teeth and it isn’t good for your arteries ... Read More »]]> by Dr. Cochran with Dr. Waggoner M.D.

Last week you went to your doctor for your annual physical and you found out that you have cholesterol problems, specifically small density LDL, which your doctor told you is a death sentence if you don’t address it. It seems that these small density particles have an incredible propensity for sneaking into your arteries. Pretty soon your arteries start to look like the bottom of a grease trap in a French fry machine and eventually all that ‘goop’ turns into plaques. Plaque isn’t good for your teeth and it isn’t good for your arteries either. So, best case scenario you’re looking at heart attacks, stroke and an early death and worst case scenario you’re looking at surviving the stroke and heart attack and spending the rest of your albeit shortened life as a debilitated shell of your former self and a burden to your family. Neither of those options seem particularly appealing however, your physician said that there is a class of medications called statins specifically designed to address this problem, and she has recommended one called Crestor™.

So all was well until you went to the pharmacy. The pharmacist told you that you don’t need Crestor, that a generic statin would do just fine and it would save you money. So you decided to read up on the subject. And, what you found was truly appalling. First, the pharmacist makes money by recommending that you purchase generic medications and in many cases they’ll just make the switch without even telling you. Next, you discovered that generic drugs and brand name drugs are not exactly equivalent. In fact, the FDA in its infinite wisdom has allowed the pharmaceutical industry to have a 20-25% variance in their generic interpretation of medications. This means that they use ‘fillers’ to make up the difference. Now the problem with fillers is that a) you may be allergic to them and b) they lower the efficacy and strength of the medicine you are buying. So, 300mg of a generic medication does not necessarily equal 300mg of a brand medication. Now, your physician will have to prescribe more of the generic medication to get the same effect as the brand and your insurance company doesn’t like that, so they deny it. The ‘Catch-22’ is that your insurance company rewards the pharmacist for dispensing generics because they are making lots of money by doing so. However, when the medicines don’t work as well, they will either charge you an outrageous copay for the brand, deny it altogether or, if your physician goes with the generic medication and has to prescribe a greater milligram strength, the insurance company will say your doctor is overmedicating you and will refuse that too.

But we’re not done yet. You’re at the gym discussing this issue with your trainer and he says the answer lies in supplements. Now of course he’s 25 and hasn’t been to medical school but it sure is tempting to consider an option that you can control. Then you tell your best friend at work who goes to a naturopath that she just loves and ‘swears by’. Oh, and then there’s the guy on your board who has a fabulous chiropractor and the maintenance guy said he knows an amazing nutritionist. So what is the right answer?

Welcome to modern healthcare! The good news is that it is replete with options, and the bad news is that it is replete with options. At Saratoga Family Health Center we know that taking care of people requires that they be intellectually informed, and emotionally invested in what they are doing to best take care of their heath. Excellent treatment is not about trying to fit patients into preconceived, standardized regimens. What it is about, is a unique partnership between patient and caregiver in which an individual formula for that patient is created that may involve many different kinds of treatment modalities and disciplines.

For example, in the case we’ve been discussing we would review the patient’s diet and not only tell them what not to eat, but what to eat, and where they can go for menu planning for themselves and their family. We would encourage regular exercise, omega-3 fatty acids, an aspirin a day and a statin, although if the patient wanted to try another route we would fully support that. However, it is not in the best interests of anyone, for a treatment provider or a patient to simply ‘believe’ in their treatment plan, so it is imperative that regular laboratory measurements be taken to determine whether or not what you are doing is working. And, you’ve got to have a treatment team that is prepared to argue with your insurer even to the point of contacting the medical director of your plan to make sure you get what you need.

Please take good care of yourselves, you and your family are a precious commodity and we are all made better when you are well.

Wishing You The Best Of Health!

Join Dr. Cochran on November 5th, 2011 in Los Angeles  from 9:30-3:30pm for A JOURNEY THOUGH ROMANTIC LOVE: What it is, What it isn’t, How to get it and How to keep it! During this workshop Dr. Cochran will teach techniques for how to manage, and what to expect from one of the most challenging developmental tasks of adulthood: the many faces of romantic love. Dr. Cochran will help you find your perfect partner and/or assist you in increasing the intimacy level in your current relationship, through great insights and understanding. Call 818-848-3213 to register or visit www.drcochran.org

David J. Waggoner, MD, a board certified family physician and his partner transpersonal psychologist, Dr. Margaret Cochran, make up Saratoga Family Health Center where they take a whole person, whole brain approach to health. Dr. Cochran and Dr. Waggoner focus on treating individuals, not just their symptoms, diagnosis or healthcare coverage limitations; they practice medicine and psychotherapy, not insurance. Working together they have extraordinary success in helping patients become, and stay, well in both body and mind. www.sfhc.com

Photo credit: © Alexander Raths | Dreamstime.com

If by chance yours falls into the latter category, know that you are not alone. In fact, of all the questions you send me, inquiries about romantic relationships are always at the top of the list.

So I decided enough already, let’s get to it. And so today’s article was born: romantic love, What it is, What it isn’t, How to get it and How to keep it!

That famous chanteuse Tina Turner of Ike and Tina Turner fame, once musically posed the ... Read More »]]> So how’s your love life? Is it stellar or does it suck like a bucket of tics?

If by chance yours falls into the latter category, know that you are not alone. In fact, of all the questions you send me, inquiries about romantic relationships are always at the top of the list.

So I decided enough already, let’s get to it. And so today’s article was born: romantic love, What it is, What it isn’t, How to get it and How to keep it!

That famous chanteuse Tina Turner of Ike and Tina Turner fame, once musically posed the question about the nature of romantic relationships thusly — “What’s love got to do with it?” Well, I don’t often get the opportunity to respond to a rock and roll icon but this query, I think, must not go unanswered. So Tina, the fact is that love has everything to do with it, absolutely everything!

Romantic love is one of life’s great levelers. Regardless of your sex, occupation, socioeconomic status, race or ethnic origin most everyone seeks it, yearns for it and yes, even covets it.

Mature romantic love is both extremely simple, and is at the same time unbelievably complex. Now right from the get go let me address something really important. There are certain disorders and forms of mental illness that make initiating and maintaining intimacy quite challenging. Some of these are depression, bipolar disorder, various personality disorders and schizophrenia.

Many the time that a deeply troubled couple has sought my help and unbeknownst to them one of the above is part of the problem. But we’re not going to talk about love and mental illness today. What we are going to focus on is a set of linear, stepwise, how to, by the numbers, love lessons.

So all you stud muffins and love monkeys out there put on your thinking caps and use your listening, not just your hearing ears because we’re about to embark on a crash course in the art of amore at the college of conjugal connectedness, the school of snuggles or dare I say it Love U. Hmmm, that has real T-shirt potential.

Lesson 1 — Romantic Love, What Is It? Mature adult romantic love is one of the most fulfilling and rewarding relationships you will ever have. It combines friendship and sexuality in such a way as to inspire monogamy and lifelong devotion.

Lesson 2 — What Romantic Love Isn’t It will not solve your problems, it will not make you happy and it will not turn you instantly from a child to an adult or from an immature person into a mature one. Those are things you need to do on your own. Preferably before you attempt to choose an adult romantic life partner.

Well, that answers to first two parts of our question, now let’s move on to How to Get It and How To Keep It.

Lesson 3 — Important Questions People live together and/or get married for a myriad of reasons. Some of them are really healthy and others not so much…

There are some questions you really need to ask yourself if you’re thinking about spending the rest of your life with someone.

1. If this person weren’t going to change at all for the next 30 years would you be happy with them just as they are today?

2. Who do you become when you are in the company of this individual? And do you like that person?

3. Who do they become in your company? And do you like that person?

4. Would you be happy if you had a child, or children, that was just like the person you are planning to marry? So, there would be you and George and three mini- Georges.

If the answer to any of these questions is not a resounding yes then please put the brakes on and don’t send out the wedding invitations just yet. If you already have there’s still time…

Believe me getting married or moving in together before your potential partner has resolved his or her drinking problem, spending problem, sex addiction and any of the of the other ills that flesh and soul are heir to is an invitation to disaster and just plain won’t work. And oh by the way, having a baby won’t fix any problems you may have either. In fact it will make matters worse. A child is the greatest single stresser that you can put on a marriage or relationship. Just thought I’d mention that while we are on the subject.

Lesson 4 — Whom Will I Fall In Love With? Now I hope you’re sitting down because this is a big one. There is a lot of ‘brew ha ha’ these days about internet dating sites and how, with their proprietary formula, they and they alone will find you the perfect woman/man/hermaphrodite or intergalactic hottie. Now, how do I know about the intergalactic part? Well I’ve read some of the profiles on various dating sites and I know some of these folks are from another planet!

While there is nothing wrong with making sure that you and your ‘sweetie to be’ have a lot in common and possess similar values, there is a glitch in the system and that glitch is chemistry. And no dating site in the world can guarantee you chemistry and without chemistry, there’s no match.

Lesson 5 – What the heck is ‘Chemistry’ and is there an app for that? Let’s do the easy one first. No, there’s not an app for that. Chemistry is, well, it’s a feeling. Different people experience it in different ways physiologically but the bottom line is it’s sexual attraction.

Now here’s the problem with dating sites. While it’s great to find someone with whom you share values and have lots in common or, to put it another way, find someone who looks great on paper it doesn’t guarantee chemistry. You can find someone who is a great match socially and psychologically and you can even find him or her incredibly physically attractive, but you may find, surprise, surprise, that there’s no joy, no magic, no butterflies in the stomach, no tingling in the loins, in short, no chemistry. And yet, you can find another person who’s not model perfect physically, who doesn’t like to do everything you like to do and is possibly of a completely opposite political persuasion and yet, you find you fall madly in love despite everything: its instant chemistry!

Join Dr. Cochran on November 6th, 2011 in Los Angeles for A JOURNEY THOUGH ROMANTIC LOVE workshop where she focuses on techniques for how to manage, and what to expect from one of the most challenging developmental tasks of adulthood: the many faces of romantic love. For more details email mcochran@drcochran.org or visit www.drcochran.com.

Photo credit © Darren Baker | Dreamstime.com