In my last column, I argued that pregnancies, especially first pregnancies, follow the steps of a ritual process. A pregnant woman, like initiates to any ritual process, is a neophyte. She is not called a “mother” by anyone; rather, she is referred to as a “mother-to-be.”
There are numerous other ways in which women engage in the ritual process of pregnancy. Last weeks’ survey was designed to discover how a woman meets these very specific criteria. (Thank you to those of you who took the time to answer!) Here are the questions once again, some responses, and how each step corresponds to ritual.
What foods should a pregnant woman eat? What foods should she avoid?
Like all initiates, a pregnant woman is immediately “separated from the profane.” First, she is separated is by the food she is expected to eat. Her old ways of eating will be rigorously monitored: by herself, by her doctors, and by nearly everyone who watches her eat. There are myriad dietary rules and regulations for a woman to follow while pregnant; it is the rare woman who doesn’t obsess over what she is (or isn’t) eating. (A Google search on the term “pregnancy diets” turned up 491,000 pages!)
Additionally, across the board, mothers in my survey rejected activities such as smoking, drinking and sometimes even caffeine. However, as a bonus to offset these stringent requirements, many mothers reported the pleasure of indulging their acceptable cravings. “Root beer floats!” exclaimed one mother. “Cheese, any kind,” reported another. Krispy Kreme donuts, Capt’n Crunch cereal, and M&M’s were all guilty pleasures probably never confessed to the ob-gyn. There is an acute awareness of one’s nutritional intake and a marked aversion to potentially harmful substances.
When did you begin wearing maternity clothes?
A pregnant woman on the liminal stage can easily be identified by her clothing. Initiates to a new order of life are always marked by an outward, visible display (think of the huge piercing of some tribal people, for example).
For the pregnant woman, this display manifests itself in two ways. First, of course, is the ever-increasingly bulging belly. The other is in maternity clothes. One might think that maternity clothes are something of a necessary evil, used while needed then promptly forgotten. However, of all the women I surveyed, every single one remembered exactly when they began wearing their maternity clothes. Women recall these dates in such detail because to wear the costume of pregnancy is to legitimize your new standing in the social order.
How did you feel about yourself as a sexual entity?
Most pregnant women do not feel physically attractive once they begin showing to an obvious degree, but the change is larger than feeling unattractive. More often than not, most women reported that while pregnant, especially for the first time, they felt “sexless.” As one enters a new phase of life, whether in the ritual of pregnancy or other rituals, it appears that all aspects of a person’s former life must be eradicated as much as possible.
Did anyone touch your stomach? How did you feel about that?
As a woman goes about her daily life in the limbo of pregnancy, one of the changes that she is likely to find most odd is the frequent invasion of her personal space. A pregnant stomach, it seems, belongs to the whole community.
Needless to say, this never happens to the non-pregnant person. If it did, violence might be the result. However, the pregnant woman usually endures this unasked for laying-on of hands in silence and at least outwardly accepts her loss of privacy. Such a thing happens because, it seems, that the whole community wants to be a part of the transformative experience. Some mothers-to-be understand that this kind of touch may be the only way some women, and all men, ever get to experience this sensation. Allowing this touching furthers a woman’s connection to the family of man, and vice versa.
Did you attend a Lamaze or other birthing class?
These classes, which supposedly get a woman ready for the rigors of birth, in reality, do no such thing. Almost all women who have given birth will tell you this, yet the ritual of attending these classes continues. Like maternity clothes, attending childbirth preparation classes is a milestone in a woman’s ritual process.
Did other mothers tell you birth horror stories? How did that make you feel, if so?
All pregnant women, but especially first-time pregnant women, are subjected to horror stories of birthing experiences. “I was in labor for three days, then I had a C-section,” says one mother. “She came so fast my cervix tore,” reports another. Often, these birthing tales go on for quite some time.
Without exception, everyone in my survey reported similar experiences. All had allowed friends, family, and even strangers to tell them birthing stories. It is a strange phenomenon if not viewed through the lens of the ritual process. We would not wish to hear the intimate details of a colonoscopy, nor would most of use desire to hear in minute and graphic language the recounting of open-heart surgery.
However, one is unlikely to find a first-time pregnant woman who has not been “hazed” in this way. Rather than telling the veteran mother to stop, the neophytes listen in submissiveness and silence. While the stories are sometimes frightening, they also contain vital information. In my case.
I learned to ask early and often for an epidural! For other women, the exact opposite was true. The stories they heard convinced them that they had the strength to go through childbirth without drugs. The knowledge shared offers practical advice to the neophyte.
Have you ever told your own “birth horror story” or related someone else’s to a mother-to-be? If so, why do you think you did this?
There were some guilty admissions on this one, but there shouldn’t be. If you have told a birthing horror story, you are simply (and probably unconsciously) playing your part in the ritual process.
Let me explain a bit more. Even though the veteran mother logically knows that no two birth experiences are the same, she will tell her story hoping in some way that her positive end will extend and transfer to the expecting mother. Her hope is that by sharing her experience, the neophyte might come to realize that no matter how bad labor and/or delivery may have been, in the end, everything turned out all right.
Did you have a baby shower? Did any men attend?
Baby showers conform to the steps of the ritual process in numerous ways. All rituals involve repetition. After all, ritual is, by definition, something that is done time and again. This is certainly true of an American baby shower. All women know what will happen at this symbolic event. At the shower, women will gather during the day, have light snacks and non-alcoholic beverages, bring gifts, play games related to the woman, her baby, and/or her mate. It is the odd party that does not confo
rm to these expectations.
The second step in the process is actuation, or playing a sort of theatrical role. The pregnant woman, of course, is the actor here. She is pretending to be the mother she has not yet become and opens presents for the baby she does not yet have. But her liminal state is coming to an end. It seems safe to all involved to celebrate her impending change in status.
However, the end of the pregnant woman’s liminal stage only ends when the child is placed in her arms. Though the challenges ahead will be far greater than anything she faced in the liminal stage, she now is accepted by society as a new entity: mother.
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